It's not always prevalent. You're not always on the edge of a massive break down.
It is always there though, bubbling under the surface, threatening to take you down.
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I have days where I'm ok. I have those bad feelings, but I'm ok.
Then I have the days where I'm not. I'm distracted, busy, shaky, forgetful, and messy.
Those days are usually an indication I need to slow down, take some time out, and shut off from the world for a bit.
But what do you do when you can't?
What do you do when you have a birthday party to attend, your own no less, that you would do anything to avoid? When you have several things lined up, which you cannot cancel, people are depending on you, you have things that need to be done, groceries brought, promises made....
The last 2-3weeks all I have wanted is my cave.
When I have stuff to do, I can usually rush it out and then hide away in a couple of days.
Re-group. Re-energise. Re-strengthen.
Right now? I can't see an end in sight, and I can feel it affecting me outwardly, not just inside.
It took me 4 hours to fall asleep last night. Four long bloody hours. I kept starting to dream, starting to drift off only to startle myself with a thought. Irrelevant stuff. Sometimes I wasn't even sure what that thought was, but it was a bit like when you're falling asleep and you remember you forget to lock the door, only it wasn't things like that. It was things like "Nobody will turn up to your party, they don't like you." "You're too clingy, give people room to breathe." "People only talk to you because they don't want to be rude. See, they never seek you out, because they don't like you."
Why the fuck am I thinking this stuff?
Really, who cares about that at 2am.
I do care though. I do worry about having no one.
I do care that this stuff seems to be somewhat important to me enough to zap my ability to write. So many great things going on in my mind that I cannot get out. I can't say the words I want to, I need to.
Where do I go from here?