It's not always prevalent. You're not always on the edge of a massive break down.
It is always there though, bubbling under the surface, threatening to take you down.
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I have days where I'm ok. I have those bad feelings, but I'm ok.
Then I have the days where I'm not. I'm distracted, busy, shaky, forgetful, and messy.
Those days are usually an indication I need to slow down, take some time out, and shut off from the world for a bit.
But what do you do when you can't?
What do you do when you have a birthday party to attend, your own no less, that you would do anything to avoid? When you have several things lined up, which you cannot cancel, people are depending on you, you have things that need to be done, groceries brought, promises made....
The last 2-3weeks all I have wanted is my cave.
When I have stuff to do, I can usually rush it out and then hide away in a couple of days.
Re-group. Re-energise. Re-strengthen.
Right now? I can't see an end in sight, and I can feel it affecting me outwardly, not just inside.
It took me 4 hours to fall asleep last night. Four long bloody hours. I kept starting to dream, starting to drift off only to startle myself with a thought. Irrelevant stuff. Sometimes I wasn't even sure what that thought was, but it was a bit like when you're falling asleep and you remember you forget to lock the door, only it wasn't things like that. It was things like "Nobody will turn up to your party, they don't like you." "You're too clingy, give people room to breathe." "People only talk to you because they don't want to be rude. See, they never seek you out, because they don't like you."
Why the fuck am I thinking this stuff?
Really, who cares about that at 2am.
I do care though. I do worry about having no one.
I do care that this stuff seems to be somewhat important to me enough to zap my ability to write. So many great things going on in my mind that I cannot get out. I can't say the words I want to, I need to.
Where do I go from here?
I think you're doing absolutely the right thing in writing it all down. Get it out of your head and give yourself room to think about the good stuff. I'd totally come to your party. :-)
ReplyDeleteI had to retrain my thinking patterns. It took a long time, admittedly. Years, if I'm honest. But I did it. Anytime I had one of those negative, slightly paranoid thoughts I'd have a rational response in my head to reply back with. To start off with you don't believe the response, but over time you do start to. I guess it's a form of self CBT and it helped me alot. I'm still the same neurotic person, but I'm less paralysed.
ReplyDeleteYou write it here, get it all out of your head and start again tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs honey. I don't know what you go through day to day but I am always here to listen x
One day I'll be able to help you with this. I'll email you about it one day :)
ReplyDeleteI hope at the very least, writing it down helps you somewhat. I always feel better getting things on paper (or blogging!). Hugs :) x
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. Writing out can help. I hope things get better. I have been there and it sucks.
ReplyDeleteOh BTW I gave you the versatile blogge award recently. Drop by Whining and pick it up.
The first thing you do is acknowledge the feelings. Ignoring them by pretending that they either don't exist or can't possibly be real never helps. So you've already taken the first step.
ReplyDeleteI find writing everything out helps, it helps you see what you're feeling with your own eyes, in your own words. It also lets you process things one by one, rather than feeling a mashed up tumble of feelings.
You also give yourself a break, don't beat up on yourself and realise that what you're feeling is not only quite normal but also common and that more people understand where you're coming from than probably let on.
~x~
I think we all have days like this. With or without social phobia we can be our own best friend or our own worst enemy. Insomnia is a dreadful experience and your head clutters with the most unhelpful things. I reckon the way forward is the same as you have been plodding along until now. Head up. Deep breath. Fake it until you make it. Your party will be great. You are not too clingy. People talk to you because you are interesting, have your own ideas and beliefs and a great sense of humour. Stay in the moment. Breathe out. xx
ReplyDeleteI think I'm a pretty confident person, but in truth I have had those concerns and thoughts too. I think even the most confident of people do.
ReplyDeleteThe great thing is that you're trying. You haven't given up. Keep going. My fave saying: 'Man cannot discover new oceans until he has courage to lose sight of the shore.'
xx