When The Grey Cloud Looms

Pitter-Patter-Pitter-Patter.
I open my eyes to the grey forcing it's way through the cracks of my blinds. Giggles coming from the room next to mine.
Shhhhh. Go back to sleep, it's too early.
I close my eyes willing sleep to come back effortlessly. It doesn't. It never does. My mind floods with the never ending problems that seem to come with adult life.
I roll over. The clock reads 7:30am. What? It can't be that late. There's barely any light.
Patter-Patter-Blob-Patter-Patter-Blob.
It comes louder now. Harder. The rain.
'I don't want to get up' I moan.
Pitter-Pitter-Pitter.
Tiny feet.
They come to my door.
I see curious eyes peer around the door frame.
Big smiles spread across little faces when they are greeted with my open eyes.
Little bodies slide under the covers next to mine. Little hands wrap around my face and i am met with warm kisses and a soft 'Love you.'

One thing i know for sure, it's always going to rain. Eventually the grey clouds will return and the wetness will soak through. I won't always meet the rain with optimism, appreciating the good it brings in the long run. Becoming a mother i have learnt that you don't always need the sun to have a day filled with warmth and sunshine. Children provide a light that no other can compare to. A light that reaches your soul.

Image found here

We all need a little magic in our lives.

On the weekend Mr Black, the kids and myself were lucky enough to be invited to attend the Red Carpet screening of the new Disney Junior channel which went to air on Sunday for those of you who have Foxtel.
I kept the news a surprise to the kids until Saturday morning, and Bluey was instantly excited. Greenie, not so much. He's a bit more difficult, and well, is only 2, so TV doesn't excite him that much.

When we arrived at Castle Towers Vmax Cinemas, we were greeted by some wonderful and lively staff, who kept the children entertained and things moving as quickly as possible. We settled into some very comfortable seats, think Gold Class minus the reclining part.
We got to see two Mickey Mouse Clubhouse shows, which the kids lapped up. Bluey calling out to the prompts. Greenie snuggled into his dad and actually managed to sit still and silent for 40 minutes. This is something that simply does.not.happen. So i guess my kids are Mickey Mouse fans? I will take whatever works for a little bit of peace and quiet!
We also got to meet with Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and even have a picture taken with them.

Close your eyes

Ahh it's that time of the week again and this week it's come to me so easily.

This week i am grateful for sleep. That long solid sleep where you wake up feeling so refreshed, rejuvenated and like a new person.
Not grateful because i had it. No siree, no sleep in this house over the last week combined with waking children, sickness and aches and pains, but i know eventually, right before you are about to check yourself into the looney bin because you haven't slept in so long. Eventually sleep will return to me, the aches will dull, my health will heal.

What are you grateful for?

Pulling the Trigger.

It's not something spoken about often.
In fact i don't think i can recall a blog post i have ever read on it, but i think it's something we all have suffered from at some point.
Triggers.
It can be as simple as someone writing something about a food, a food you once ate that brings up a memory. Good or bad, either way. Triggers do work both ways.
This time though, i am going to write about the bad triggers. Why not?!
I find, in bloggy land, some beautiful well written posts, they're usually posts i love the most, but they always seem to hold a trigger for me. A trigger that easily has me worked up, my heart races, i feel my body start to rattle with alarm, and my mind spirals down that slippery slope into the darkness.
Sometimes i climb back up that slope only moments later, but other times it lasts hours, or days, and i just cannot shake that dark looming shadow that seems to engulf my every move.
Fine one moment, disconnected the next. That's me anyway.

How about you? Do you find you are easily triggered? How does it affect you? Any tips for who to deal once triggered? 

Children's Parties.

Bluey's birthday is fast approaching and it got me thinking to parties.
We do a first birthday party and then seem to stop. I figure at that young age they really don't "get it" and don't need a massive hoo-haa besides cake with close family.

Not a fan of the noise?

The plan for Bluey was to have a party this year. I felt awful a month ago as i walked him to school and asked him if he minded if we could post phone it and have a party next year instead.
Bluey is a very generous and...just marvellous child. He beamed at me and said "That's fine mum. So next year then?"
Zero fuss, zero problems.
Not the kind of response i'd get from his brother.
I decided that after moving less than a month ago, and the numerous life changes that have gone with it, it really wasn't worth the stress of trying to pull it all together for me. That i wouldn't enjoy the process, and i want to be able to enjoy it too dammit! And i will stick to my promise next year.

But it got me thinking, it seems a common thing that parents put on a big event each year for their child. Something that is fine, i think it's wonderful. But are there those out there who like us are happy with something small, low key, something you wouldn't even call a party?

Can you feel the magic?

This week i'm grateful for sunlight.
Winter has come quickly here, and for the last few days between 10-4 if you sit outside in the sunlight you can almost pretend it's a cool summers day. The sunlight is just enough that it reaches through your skin and warms you to your bones, leaving behind that little bit of magic and happiness.
I feel it soaking up through my skin. I watch my boys soaking it up between giggles and laughter whilst playing in the sunlight. Do you feel it too?

As always i am playing along over at Maxabella Loves, come and join us and check out some other wonderful posts from talented writers.

Who's Watching?

Public Blogs.
Well they're...open to the public. But just how public are you making your life? And how is it affecting your "real" life?

Do you share with your family and friends that you blog?
I do if it's brought up. It's never really been a secret, however in all that time no one has asked me "Where do i read your blog?" They've just left it with an "Oh okay". Mr Black knows i blog too, but he doesn't exactly use the computer that much...so yeah, reading my blog? Not high on his to do list.
So that being said, and because i keep an anonymous alias, for my children and families protection, i can fairly safely assume that no one i know in everyday life has actually read my blog. I sorta like it like that.

But what about you? Do your friends and family read your blog? How do they know about it? How do you feel about it? Does it make you filter what you post sometimes? Or does it help encourage you to post more? What do they think? Have you ever upset someone you know in real life with something you have blogged about?

If you don't share with your friends and family, why don't you?

Burn The Shit Out Of It!

So i tweeted last night about how i was going for laser hair removal today, and asked if i was crazy as it is apparently a painful procedure.
This morning i nervously rolled into the beauticians, bright and early. She went through a few questions with me and explained the procedure, even noting that "It can be quite uncomfortable, and leave you feeling burnt like a sunburn for a couple of days." Ok i think, i can do sunburn, nothing i haven't done before.

She gets started on a "test patch", but before starting quickly pauses so that she can run and grab me an ice pack "for the pain".
So i lay there thinking to myself WTF? An ICE PACK? Really? I don't think i've used one of those since i got hit in the face with a baseball at 12 when i used to play softball. And no, those balls really aren't all that soft. Oh the irony!
So she gets started, or so apparently she does. I felt nothing. She asked how it was, and honestly at the worst point it felt like an itch you couldn't scratch more than anything. Annoying? Yes. Painful? Gawsh no.

I would definitely have to say that waxing is far more painful. But then i find waxing tolerable. Laser hair removal? It's a piece of cake. So if it's something you have wondered about and put it off because you haven't known much, go for it. It's really fine, and here i am 8 hours later and having zero discomfort. I am told you need between 8-12 treatments to be "hair free" depending on the area and your body personally. How much easier would it be to not have to worry about waxing appointments or to buy razors all the time?!

What about you? Have you had laser hair removal? Or maybe another procedure that you were nervous about but then found it was really nothing at all to worry about? Or maybe you've had a procedure you thought would be fine but then it turned out to be the most horrific moment of your life? Tell me about it.

Talking about age

I was asked a question recently that i thought i might answer here.
What made you decide to have another child, and how did you decide it was the right time?
For me it was was a decision that was made for me from the start.

Bluey was one of those dreaded unplanned pregnancies. In all honesty while it was a shock we rolled with it, we enjoyed it. It changed our life in a magnitude of ways, as it does everyone, but more so a newly dating couple who both still live at home. However we embraced it, we were excited and we were after all just "speeding up our plans we had already made" as Mr Black put it.
I always knew i wanted at least two children. I wanted my children to have someone to always share life with. There was no doubting that in my mind. After having a particularly scary birthing experience with Bluey i was ok to lap up and enjoy my first born and all his goodness. But shortly after his first birthday i started to get that itch. The First Birthday Itch i call it, when suddenly your baby isn't in their first year anymore, they're growing up, becoming more independent and you miss all those little baby things. The smell, the cries, the little pouts and the way they suck their lips when they sleep... *swoon*

By the time my 21st birthday rolls around my very talented midwife Aunt approached me asking if we wanted to have any more. I said yes we do someday, and that's when she dropped a bombshell you do not expect to hear at 21. "You should try soon, you may have some troubles because of what happened the first time around, so the sooner the better."
The last thing you expect to hear at 21 is someone telling you to go and have another baby. Especially a family member. Especially because of "health concerns".
But either way it sped up that little ticking i had happening in the background already. The sound became deafening until finally i told Mr Black that i needed to have another now.
After some talk, and compromising i settled on waiting a couple of months, but no longer because i didn't want bigger than a 3 year age gap.

I remember vaguely reading something about more than a 3 year age gap changes the bond siblings share. That they grow up not as close, maybe because they're not experiencing things around a similar time? So i had this magic age gap limitation in my head. It worked out well. Bluey was 3 months shy of his 3rd birthday when Greenie made his entrance. Bluey was toilet trained, and pretty independent. He understood if i needed him to wait because i was busy with Greenie, and he could help me out by grabbing things i needed.

Not even half an hour after giving birth to Greenie i looked at Mr Black and said "I want to do this again". I remember this feeling like there was a little pocket in my heart that had some space. It was waiting for someone else.
I have since said I'd love more children. Ideally five. I don't know why, i just think it's a nice number? But Mr Black is done with two. I respect that, and I'm grateful for the two i have.
Would i do a bigger age gap?
Probably not. I found 3 was a pretty big push for me personally, but i understand why some people do.

What about you? What made you decide to have more when you did? Did you have a preference for an age gap? Is there an age gap you think is too far? Or perhaps too close?

Are You Brave?

Today over on Where's My Glow, the wonderful Glowess is asking Do you have a phobia? And are you worried about passing it on to your kids? My answer got a tad long, so i thought i'd share it here 


 I have an enormous needle phobia. Like, at 5 years old i punched my (still is now) GP in the face and ran out of the room before he even picked up the thing. I hadn't had a needle since my parents held me down that day to get my 5 year tetanus shot and the emergency trip to get my appendix out at 8, where i had 1 needle and a canular inserted during that time (with a LOT of kicking and screaming), until i found out i was pregnant. 

I don't pass out, but i do go into a shock of sorts and it takes all of my self control to sit there and try to hypnotise myself of sorts into staying ok, whilst Mr Black, or my parents whoever is there with me explains that i have a big problem with needles. Thankfully pregnancy their isn't many, and anything slightly elective i say no to, even things that aren't i nag if they're "really needed" and "can we not find another way to get that information". Nothing will test me like having to go for my glucose test, which was strongly insisted upon by my very wonderful midwife, alone with a toddler in tow. By this stage Bluey was well used to the fact that "mummy spazzes out if she has to get a needle", so the entire wait he stroked my hand and whispered to me how it was going to be ok, that he would hold my hand and be there for me, while i meekly smiled at him and tried to remain calm. 

The nurse called us in, and usually before i get called in i am way into my freak out mode internally that i cannot explain to them that i don't want to hear what you're doing or look at things, just do it and let me go. I stumbled through the words "I don't like needles" and the nurse looked at me and smiled and said "Oh you'll be ok, they're not that bad." 

Now let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being told that the thing you fear the most "isn't that bad" because it is to you! It is that bad! 

Bluey looked at this lady stonily and said "My mum HATES needles, you be gentle to her okay?". He held my hand tightly and said to me "You squeeze me if it hurts ok mummy? I will help make it all better." 

I can't say it made the process any easier. However there is something about one of your children needing you, or trying to comfort you that makes you want to make them happy. I still had a rough time with it though.

This all being said, Bluey had his 4 year vaccinations with zero worry. 2 needles, one in each arm, our GP told him not to watch but he insisted on watching, and he didn't flinch, not a tear, not a squeeze of the hand, not even an "ow."

So i don't always think that fears are passed on from parent to child. I think it's important for a child to see a parent trying to overcome their fears. That it's ok to be afraid of something, even in the eyes of a child, because they're going to have fears even if we have none. To show them that fear is a part of everyone's life, and that truly being brave isn't who isn't afraid of anything, but those who are afraid of a lot and still face their fears often.

Social Networks the new therapy?

Ahh another Saturday. Saturdays mean Grateful Post day, and my mind upon waking to the little noises children make when they're up to no good instantly goes to "What am i grateful for this week?"

This week, i am grateful for Twitter. Yes you heard me right. I guess not so much twitter though but the people on twitter. I had a rough week, and an especially rough day Thursday, and support from a very wonderful fellow blogger blew me away, and her words touched more deeply than i think she realised.

So thank you dear friend. Know that words cannot express my gratitude.

Celebration Time

It's time to celebrate.

Any excuse for a party, right?

I hit the 100 posts mark with my last post. I know only 100 you say? It seems i am a slow leaker? I take my time with my words, my stories. You can almost guarantee there is more going on behind the scenes. Always. But it's not always my story to share. And other times, it is not a story i am ready to share. Sometimes though...we have incidents which require a break or we move and our laptop dies (Yes it's still dead, if you want to send me a new laptop, please contact me. I may just kiss you!). I am also still learning the ropes, slowly but surely, and am blown away constantly by the topics some of you post about, through to all the cool things you can do with this thing. Wowee.

But this isn't about you. It's about ME.

100 posts. One hundred different times i've typed words out, i've shared a story, shared a thought, told you a little about me. 100 posts later and i still have so much more to share. I feel like we're only scratching the surface, and i am so excited to share more of me with you, and to learn more about all of you.

To coincide with this i have added a Contact Me page. So now you can...well contact me privately if you so wish.

How did you celebrate your 100?

How to make my shit list.

Last night whilst watching the news I am flooded with stories of how teen mum's are going to have their Centrelink benefits taken from them if they are not studying.
Are you kidding me?

I then notice on Facebook, ahhh good old Facebook, where everyone shoots their opinion out there, from someone who isn't a mother, and is a product of teen pregnancy (as her mother had her at 15) that she is happy about this. That it should have happened sooner.
What?

Firstly, if you are not a parent, back the fuck off. You do not know what it is like to be a parent, the financial strain, the struggle of raising a little one on very little sleep, energy and with emotions raging.

I was a "teen mum". I use the term loosely as I was 19, and I had in fact obtained my HSC, and I was employed at the time. But none the less i apparently fall under that category. Not all teen mum's are bludgers. Cutting off the payments that feed their babies and put roofs over their heads and even help pay for medical services is not the answer.


I am sure we will all agree, regardless of age, education or financial situation that becoming a mother, the first, second, third, any bloody time is tough work. It is hard stuff. Now imagine doing that at 16. Chances are the father? He will leave. Why not? He can easily walk away. (Of course this isn't always the case and I applaud all parents, male or female who stick it out, even if the relationship doesn't continue, but are the best parents they can be for their children). So you lose the support of the second parent.

Now I'm not sure about you, but me coming home pregnant at 19, employed, having finished school didn't go down well with my folks. If I were to do it at 16? I'd have been disowned. And that is the case for some teen mum's. There goes your second source of support, your family.

Everyone would have experienced this at some stage. You get pregnant and suddenly your friendships seem to fizzle left right and centre. Those who don't have kids seem to be on a different path and talk of leaking breasts, or how many times the baby woke bore them and suddenly you're not talking as much. Imagine that at 16. When you're already an unsure teenager finding your footing and place in the world and suddenly all your friends disappear. Third source of support, gone.

Now some idiot in parliament, who isn't a parent so possibly has no clue just how hard it is at any age, sees fit to assume that teenage mothers aren't doing much, just sitting on their arses at home, and so they need to go back to school or the government will cut off the only source of money this young mother and her baby has?

How could you possibly think that is the answer?
There are so many better options out there.

Firstly, if you want a young mum to return to school or to work, provide support.
Childcare is ridiculous. Not only are most places dodgy, but the costs are ridiculous.
Give these mothers trying to educate themselves priority. Provide schools that these mothers can attend with childcare facilities on the grounds so they can visit their child when they see fit.
Provide cheap housing for these mothers, where they can live with their baby, and provide discounts on their utilities to help them make amends.
Instead of handing out money, give them gift cards to supermarkets to ensure the money is being spent on food and not on luxuries such as hair or nail appointments. 
Of course, only provide these fantastic opportunities and help to those who are willing to finish their education, but really, would you be able to go back to school if you lost everyone around you and had zero support? No. Why should these women be expected to do that then?

Also, the 6 months deal, yeah, just no. How the hell does that encourage breastfeeding. Breastfeeding that is by WHO recommendations encouraged for up to 2 years old. I don't know about you but neither of my kids were close to sleeping through the night at 6 months old. So to go to school all day, come home, do housework, worry about bills, make dinner, study and complete assignments, then get up multiple times through the night? Yeah, it doesn't appeal to me.

We all know that parenting is a tough gig. We all know as older women how worrying it is, imagine that when you're only just becoming an adult yourself! You haven't had a chance to gain any sense of financial security, and it will forever be hard to get that. Instead of hindering a mother at the start, we need to band together to help her out. Offer a hand, some encouraging words because not all teen mums are bogans.

Last night I saw it all, from former teen mums saying it should have happened sooner (even though they still "bludge" from centrelink "uneducated" and conveniently space their kids 5 years apart), to people saying that they should be cut off sooner than the 6 months, to a mother who calls herself a "young mum" saying that you shouldn't have kids unless you can afford it, and that if you can't then you should just get a job.
That simple.
Oh please. If only it were that easy. Life doesn't always go to plan, you can never have enough money in this day and age, and your kids aren't going to care about how much money you had growing up, but rather they'd prefer memories of time WITH YOU.

Look at Politicians wages. Really do you NEED all that money? I don't think so, you're just being selfish. Or prisons, and refusing the dole for people who are just getting out of prison. The law is clear, and a baby hasn't broken it, they shouldn't suffer. Nor should a young girl who made a mistake and is owning it and trying her best to work with what she has.

If you would like to see some probably better worded posts on this matter please check out The Mummy Diaries