Awkward

Sometimes I wonder if we all feel the way I'm feeling on the inside.

Lost and confused but with this burning curiosity for life.

I am a passionate soul, sometimes I am completely ignorant to everything and everyone around me. My mind is on a mission, it is following a thread, unravelling it's messy maze. Sometimes I am stopped at a big messy tangle.

Tangles. They're beautiful aren't they? They're not much fun to be in, but they're pretty to watch. Like a a messy dance of disaster.

I used to be loud, a real extrovert. The life of the party some would say. I still am if you get to know me well enough.
I was loud because I didn't want people to see through the layers of armour. See the hurt and scared girl in there.
I stopped being loud  when I became a mother. I was soft, softly spoken to my children, patient, kind. Soft also meant that I had a lot of shit thrown my way. Many knives taken to the back, and sometimes to the face. I stopped standing up for myself and instead enjoyed the corner in the room. I wasn't a push over per say. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't, but the problem was I feel so indifferently to most things that I would just do what would make someone else happy, and sometimes it would cause me a great deal of pain.

It's easy to get overwhelmed when you're an observer. Most of the time there is far too much happening in the one place, your attention is scattered, and you cannot focus, much less feel involved and part of the fun.

I miss being the life of the party. I cannot switch off my observing side.
I like that I'm not the centre of attention, but I miss feeling part of the fun. I miss feeling part of something. Someone people seek out, or notice when they're not in the room.

Do you ever feel like a wallflower? Do you deflect attention with an iron clad suit?
Do you know how to answer my riddle?