Thursday, April 12, 2012
Anyone who spends half a second with me is quick to learn of my deep baby ache.
I thought I'd be done with two. An ok amount, someone for my child/ren to grow with and share their life with, but not feeling too overwhelmed or drowned out.
It wasn't even 5 minutes after Greenie was born before I looked up at Mr Black and said with the biggest grin "I want to do this again. Soon."
He looked at me with alarm as he is quite resigned to two. Kids cost a lot of money don't you know?
But I don't see the money only the love and the feeling that for the first time in my life there is a place I belong and something I'm good at.
I begged Mr Black for months "Let's have another." I am pretty sure he thought I was delusional living on 4 hours of broken sleep a night, but any mother knows if you're begging for more in that heavily sleep deprived state that it's a pretty strong feeling.
Six months later, explaining to him that I just don't feel like our family is complete yet, that I'm not done. He shakes his head at me confused. I had said two, and now I was saying five, maybe more. I want a big family and I am changing the plan.
Now our baby is three. Three. I cannot wrap my head around it as my plans shatter to the floor. No more babies. He won't budge, at least not right now, and I won't budge with a big age gap. I want my kids close in age, my boys are already too far apart I feel.
I need to accept that these two gorgeous people, they are it, and that's ok. I love them, and it's ok. Even if I carry a sadness for the babies I will never have. Even if I look at expectant mothers or those with newborns in their arms with a longing desire.
Do you have baby fever?
Are you done with having kids but saddened?
How do you get over baby aching?