Many times I catch myself and think "You know this. You do this. Why aren't you writing about this? Why aren't you writing about how you deal with children who don't like to sleep, kids refusing meals, or working around a food allergy, how to be a present mother whilst juggling other committments?"
The truth.
Because I don't feel justified to.
Yes, I have expertise in dealing with young children (yes outside of my own, but does that really matter?) but I don't really think that's enough.
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| Not an expert but I think I have this one down pat! Image found here |
I have.
More than once. And knowing that the blog post written was well intended advice for those seeking some, or just simply documenting what they do. That it wasn't an attack in the slightest.
I still felt like I wasn't enough. My own issues, let me show you them.
So let me explain why my eyes glaze over when people talk about parenting seminars, and books and the like.
Because I know.
I not only know all the textbook crap, but I know, more importantly, what kind of parent my children need. They need me to be me, to make mistakes and then show them how to fix them. To be imperfect Yeah, I'm working on accepting that one, and ok with it because they're not perfect either.
They need me to not have a clue sometimes, so that I will remember to be open minded, and ask them what they want to teach them to make decisions for themselves about their life.
They need me to be able to let go and let them work things out for themselves, or to trust them to do something that really scares the shit out of me, but that they are ready for, even if I don't want to admit it.
Thing is, it doesn't matter what you read or how much you read you're never going to have all the answers to this parenting gig. I enjoy having that knowledge I do to fall back on, but most of my parenting I'm making up as I go along.
Just like you.
And that's why I don't feel like any kind of expert.
What about you, do you have any expertise in child behaviour or development?
Has a blog or post ever made you question the kind of parent you are?
Oh my goodness YES! This is how I feel a lot. I'm still mostly making things up, and like you I know exactly what my kids need from me and others.... but life is not a text book. I like to read informative information about the coming years for my girl's but I feel in no way qualified to give detailed advice on parenting, and in the end I'm just following my instincts and hoping I don't muck it all up too badly :)
ReplyDeleteI like that I have a background textbook knowledge. It helps guide me somewhat so that I don't freak out that my kid isn't talking at 6 months old, or tieing shoelaces before they start school etc. I like that it gives me handy tips so if X doesn't work I can move calmly on to Y like it's no big deal, but in the end you still don't know how this child will react to this at exactly this moment.
ReplyDeleteBefore I had children I was often dosing out the advice, and it was pretty ok advice, but what I lacked in was empathy. I couldn't understand, not truely, how to feels to be in that situation where you go to someone for advice even though you know they don't have children of their own. Now I do, and I just like to try and help others realise what they already know, if something isn't working or if it just needs more time, and if it isn't working what they think may be able to help and how to put that into action.
I think as long as we love our children and remain open and honest with them then we can't stuff up too badly. All a child really wants is their parents love and support.
Nope I have no expertise. I make it up as I go along too. But I must be doing okay as my son asked me if I knew everything....I explained that no I dont' know everything, and different people know different things, so I know different things to Dad, who knows different things to Grandma and so on.
ReplyDeleteI do somethimes feel guilty when reading parenting blog posts - and a lof of them are to do with SAHMs - lots of them go on about how it's the choice they have made to be there for their children. Yes I would like to be a SAHM (well acutally no I couldn't cope with it full -time) but I have no choice at all - being the main income earner. Anyway I could go on and on so am going to stop - but yes, blogs do make me question my parenting choices.
I tend to avoid parenting websites and blogs. You know, the ones that title articles with the word should or shouldn't: "10 Things You Should Never..." A lot of times they just make me feel crap about my parenting. I like the blogs that are honest about how they stuff things up sometimes. I think I prefer to know that I'm not alone in the parenting blunders.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I work, study and research child behaviour I have never called myself an expert as I'm always learning more and mainly through the children I work with and not through my never ending studies which have now moved into neuro sciences. Parenting is what you feel is right and I really just wing it day by day Nx
ReplyDeleteI've been a parent for more than 22 years and I still don't have all the answers. Just when you think you've got it sussed, everything changes. I still wing it. A lot!
ReplyDeleteThe only reason I keep publishing my heart training posts is for the few people who actually say they get something out of them. I feel grossly inadequate, and I never want to say 'you should do this.' the idea is always just to let you know what we are struggling with and how it worked for me. The only think anyone should do, is be themselves, because we are all the best people to parent our kids.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think about not writing them anymore. Maybe I will stop one day.
Please don't stop. I really like the way you present the series, like a "this is what we've been struggling with lately, and this is what I've found that helps, and this is why we are using it".
ReplyDeletePlus what you're writing is right up my alley with the way I parent my own children, putting the decisions in their hands and getting them to understand why they should or shouldn't do something so they will make a concious choice, thus reducing the time spent having to explain again and again not to do something.
I don't think I will ever have the answers. I just hope I do a good job of winging it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, teenage and adult boys scare me. It's like the older they get the more they drift :(
I really hoped you'd comment on this Nat, because I wondered if you too found that just because you know things theoretically doesn't mean they always help when it comes to you being a mum. It's nice to have that back up direction though isn't it? But still, it doesn't give you all the answers and your children make sure they let you know that huh? (At least mine do. I have no idea how to parent Bluey right now!)
ReplyDeleteI don't mind them, but i have to watch the mood I'm in. If I'm feeling sensitive I have to skip them or read slowly and be ok with stopping myself and walking away. But then not even doing those saves me. I do love to see people brag, and get it right, I just don't like the preachy posts.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't feel guilty for being a working mum. I think you will find a lot of SAHM's envy you for that. The extra money, that bit of "unselfish" time away from the house, the interaction with other adults and not having to talk about kids. There are good and bad to both sides and people need to decide on what they are comfortable with and what is best for their family.
ReplyDeleteI have made the concious choice to tell my children when I don't know an answer. I say something like "lets look it up together" or "I don't know let me get back to you" or if it's something I feel Mr Black or someone else could answer I direct them to ask that person.
Thing is, you could know hardly anything and your kid would still idolise you.
I remember going to a library session about taming toddler tantrums. I nodded and agreed wholeheartedly throughout the whole session. This is brilliant! Mind-blowing stuff! These notes will become my tantrum-taming bible!
ReplyDeleteBut when I got home, I realised the whole session had been about diversion. See a tantrum coming? Quick, park visit! Food! Something else! Don't let the kid scream!
I couldn't work out how that teaches your child that it's not okay to react/behave like that, and that they don't just get everything they ask for. Still can't.
I think a lot fo the "parenting experts" really are just up themselves idiots. You can't write how to tame a toddler when your baby is 10 years old, you're out of the thick of it and you lack that "insider" view because honestly, once it's over, you're more than happy to forget. Right?
ReplyDelete