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I haven't carried high school friendships with me. I knew in the lead up to my graduation that I wouldn't, and had made my peace with that. I only expected to have a friendship with my best friend beyond high school, and it lasted, for a while.
Having children has taught me more and more how alone I am when it comes to people outside of my bloodline.
At first it was if our parenting techniques didn't match up then one would get offended sooner or later and break the contact. During my pregnancy with Greenie I vowed to not let that get to me. It was perfectly ok for people to parent their children their way, just as it was for me to make the call on how to parent mine. It didn't make one or the other a better parent, we were all just doing the best we could for our own situation.
Having gained that perspective didn't bring people knocking on my door to be my friend though.
It was a time where I opened up to friendship and had quite a few people come in, take what they could and leave my demolished soul with cobwebs.
For a while I shut the world out. I was right, I'd tell myself, I didn't need friends, not if it meant the heartache they would bring. I had my babies anyway.
The ache never dulled though. The need to have someone I could get out with and talk things beyond Postman Pat and his black and white cat with. To be a bit reckless and silly and act my age with, but that we still put our family above all else.
I am still heavily wary. Scared of rejection. Scared to be told once again that I'm not enough. I play the game cool whilst yapping Mr Blacks ear off about this person or that, and if they could possibly like me enough to be my friend. My real friend and not just because we have common ground with our children.
I'm not greedy. I'd just like one, but I've been feeling more and more lately like even that isn't possible.
Even loner's need a companion.
Part two to follow....
Wow. You know I could have written this myself. You mirror me. And yet I find it so hard to believe you feel this way -- I know you {a part of you, at least}, and anyone would be crazy to not want to be in a beautiful friendship with you Xx
ReplyDeleteAww gorgeous lady, I feel the same about you.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I consider myself very lucky to still be able to call the best friend I had in high school my best friend today. But it seems to be the exception rather than the rule. x
ReplyDeleteI get this. I don't have any really good friends at all. In the past it has been the whole judgement thing you talk of, but also, Darwin is so transient, it's hard to make friends knowing they will probably leave in two years.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure those people do exist. At least I hope so. For all our sakes.
On the night of my graduation I wrote a letter to my two "best friends" telling them to FOAD for treating me so badly over the last few years and left there for them to find when they woke up the next morning. :P I'm lucky enough to have one friend I've had for 20 years and we can pick up where we left off even when we don't see each other more than two or three times a year.
ReplyDeleteI took no friends with me from high school either - a conscious decision. I was extrememly lucky to have made a wonderful group of friends through uni and we are still great mates. Im so sorry you have felt used and abused by some past friends - this is not true friendship, you are right. The true ones are out there... I hope they find you soon :)
ReplyDeleteAh Miss Pink, what a bad experience you've had with friendships. There's bound to be One out there for you. As you say, you only need one. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOoooh, my heart breaks for you. I have one bestest-of-best friends. We've been friends for 20 years this year. She knows everything, and still likes me! And I have lots of other really close friends who would probably still like me even if I told them about all my skeletons... But friendships take a lot of work and I have to admit that although I've made lots through my children, having children doesn't allow me the time to invest in my friendships the same way as I used to. I've also learned that being someone's friend means actively choosing to accept them unconditionally, even when our views differ.
ReplyDeleteI find it so hard to believe you don't have that closeness. You are simply divine. Maybe you need to look in different places?
it's not naive at all. hope you find the friendship you're looking for. We all need it.
ReplyDeleteOhh Miss Pink, I am usually a silent stalker but I just can't help myself today. I'm sure there is a special friend just waiting to be discovered by you. I have no idea where you live, but if you are anywhere near Sydney and wanna join me on my back deck for a Vodka or a coffee and together we can totally Trash Postman Pats reputation, you just say the word. Xx
ReplyDeleteI'm the ever-introvert. I have so few friends, and they all live so far away. I hurt easily, and even if I didn't, it's not easy for me to make friends.
ReplyDeleteLonely is never easy, and no amount of people can make lonely go away.
So I leave you this *hug* and a little nod that you're not alone.