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I haven't carried high school friendships with me. I knew in the lead up to my graduation that I wouldn't, and had made my peace with that. I only expected to have a friendship with my best friend beyond high school, and it lasted, for a while.
Having children has taught me more and more how alone I am when it comes to people outside of my bloodline.
At first it was if our parenting techniques didn't match up then one would get offended sooner or later and break the contact. During my pregnancy with Greenie I vowed to not let that get to me. It was perfectly ok for people to parent their children their way, just as it was for me to make the call on how to parent mine. It didn't make one or the other a better parent, we were all just doing the best we could for our own situation.
Having gained that perspective didn't bring people knocking on my door to be my friend though.
It was a time where I opened up to friendship and had quite a few people come in, take what they could and leave my demolished soul with cobwebs.
For a while I shut the world out. I was right, I'd tell myself, I didn't need friends, not if it meant the heartache they would bring. I had my babies anyway.
The ache never dulled though. The need to have someone I could get out with and talk things beyond Postman Pat and his black and white cat with. To be a bit reckless and silly and act my age with, but that we still put our family above all else.
I am still heavily wary. Scared of rejection. Scared to be told once again that I'm not enough. I play the game cool whilst yapping Mr Blacks ear off about this person or that, and if they could possibly like me enough to be my friend. My real friend and not just because we have common ground with our children.
I'm not greedy. I'd just like one, but I've been feeling more and more lately like even that isn't possible.
Even loner's need a companion.
Part two to follow....