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I started The Mummy Autobiography back in 2010. I had a personal online journal at the time (and still do) which I had been writing since Bluey was a baby, but it had gotten to the point that I just wanted a public platform. I knew I would be anonymous, I knew that I would not be posting pictures of my children or using their names. That is probably the only thing I've stuck to thus far.
So I started it to write, and I was proud to have written my first blog post on Babywearing.
The Mummy Autobiography was basically going to be a place where I wrote about how I parented my kids, and why, with a few funny antidotes thrown in.
Little did I know that exactly eight months into this blog I would write a post about something I thought I would never reveal privately much less publicly.
From the day that I published that post my blog took a whole new turn. It wasn't just this light fun journey anymore, but instead a place I could connect on a deeper level. My place to try and get people to understand that there is more to people than what you see.
And sometimes I feel that it's the kiss of death for me.
Really, who wants to hear someone complaining about how they see the world to be a hostile and volatile place. That any good directed one's way must be false and misleading.
And yet I can't stop writing about it.
Several times a day I form new posts in my head usually about the damaged way in which I see the world.
So I watch new blogs form. I love new blogs. I love to watch them start up and stumble for a bit like we all have and then that click moment where they find their voice. I love to watch them get excited over new followers or a handful of comments. I love that they bring with their blog a new lesson for us all. Be it a new story, a new idea, a new perspective.
Then I watch these blogs catapult, I watch them get nominated for all kinds of awards, win some of them, start working with brands.
And I feel jealous.
I look at my blog. It's small, I have never doubted that, and I think 'What do they have that gets them noticed and I don't?'
I know deep down that it's my content. I write about something very different to most Mummy Bloggers. It doesn't mean that I can't write about being a mum. I can and I have.
Maybe I'm doing it wrong?
All I know is that over a year ago I opened a can of worms. A can I cannot close. I want more people to be aware of social anxiety, and that maybe that friend you have who is a little shy or likes to randomly disappear isn't just shy or rude, that they're suffering with their own demons, and your friendship, your kindness, you reaching out and being understanding means more to them than they will ever be able to convey to you.
I have shown on this blog I can write.
I have a different style of writing, yes. You need to sit on my words. Take your time to think about how those words encircle you. Read between the lines. But I can write.
I may not choose to paint a pretty picture each time, but without darkness there cannot be light.
Yet I am still the unnoticed blogger.
This is in no way directed at any one, I really do get excited and celebrate my friends success with their blogs, it doesn't mean that I can't still get a bit down.
I have some revealing posts coming up later this week, including a completely hypocritical and opposing post to this one here. Please stick around and have a squiz, let me know you're reading.