During my senior years of high school I had a wonderful best friend. We were in three of my four classes together, as well as sharing a study period. We were inseparable, and even went on to chase the same career when school finished.
Around the time that I met Mr Black, she met a friend of his and we began dating our men. It wasn't some cheesy in your back pocket double dating orgy type thing, just that we were best friends and they happened to be friends.
Not long afterwards we both found out we were unexpectedly pregnant. I wasn't going to tell her until I knew what I was going to do, but one day after work she came over, closed the door of my bedroom and pulled out a stick with 2 lines on it. I reached into a drawer and pulled out an identical one. Weeks later I had made my decision, and days after that she confided in me that she wasn't sure what to do, that she didn't want to terminate but that her boyfriend had told her she had to, that he didn't want that baby. The arsehole didn't even take her to the appointment.
I cried that afternoon when she told me she had had it done, alone. I hugged her and said that it was ok, there would be lots of time for more babies. She smiled at me, but there was something in her look that made me feel guilty.
A month later we weren't talking anymore. My texts scarcely replied to. I was aware to not talk about my pregnancy, that it may upset her. I only spoke about it if asked and never gushed. Still, we didn't even make it to my first ultrasound before my very best friend had disappeared from my life.
When Bluey was born her and her boyfriend turned up at the hospital. They didn't go to visit him (he was in the NICU), but they surprisingly turned up, and spent half an hour chatting about how great their lives were. The next time I saw her was when Bluey was 18months old. She ignored him, something that had me dumbfounded as she worked in childcare and had always been great around kids. Again she talked about her life, how wonderful it was. I smiled, I was happy for her, but it felt all too forced. I told her I missed her and then never heard from her again.
Mr Black agreed about feeling like it was a competition "Who had the better life". A game we didn't want to play, so our friendship faded with both of them.
He knew how much it broke my heart to lose my best friend. He knew how much it hurt me to see her sitting there, talking to our friends, laughing with these people that they had ignored for years, and to see everyone be ok with that.
I was angry.
As the night wore on she did not approach me once. Not even a wave from afar. She clung to her boyfriends side like they were conjoined while I strangely mingled with everyone. I was comfortable here, I knew that, and I made sure she knew that. Spiteful, I know.
The day after the party I received a friend request from her on Facebook. I left it for a week baffled by why she would send this request and not attempt to say, at the very least 'Hi' to me? When I tentatively accepted I asked her just this. We made plans to catch up for coffee and chat. It was ok. Lots of talk about how it was childish of us to let our friendship deteriorate the way it had. Lots of promises from her that she wanted to make things right, that she missed me.
She confided in me her regret over her decision. That they had been trying for quite a while and were having trouble conceiving.
My heart ached for her. Ached for her having to carry the weight of this decision, and now feel like she was being punished.
I invited her to a couple of nights out last year. She didn't attend a single one, or let me know why she didn't. Now, I don't know what to do. As she sits there in the background of my Facebook.
I miss her, but I don't think she is the friend I once knew. I left the past in the past, and tried to move forward with what could be a great friendship again. I don't quite understand why she would seek me out, and keep me around if she had no interest in reigniting a friendship?
Have you ever had a falling out with a close friend from long ago and not known what to do when approached by them years down the track?
Have you ever had to make a decision different to that of a close friends and had it tear you apart?