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During my senior years of high school I had a wonderful best friend. We were in three of my four classes together, as well as sharing a study period. We were inseparable, and even went on to chase the same career when school finished.
Around the time that I met Mr Black, she met a friend of his and we began dating our men. It wasn't some cheesy in your back pocket double dating orgy type thing, just that we were best friends and they happened to be friends.
Not long afterwards we both found out we were unexpectedly pregnant. I wasn't going to tell her until I knew what I was going to do, but one day after work she came over, closed the door of my bedroom and pulled out a stick with 2 lines on it. I reached into a drawer and pulled out an identical one. Weeks later I had made my decision, and days after that she confided in me that she wasn't sure what to do, that she didn't want to terminate but that her boyfriend had told her she had to, that he didn't want that baby. The arsehole didn't even take her to the appointment.
I cried that afternoon when she told me she had had it done, alone. I hugged her and said that it was ok, there would be lots of time for more babies. She smiled at me, but there was something in her look that made me feel guilty.
A month later we weren't talking anymore. My texts scarcely replied to. I was aware to not talk about my pregnancy, that it may upset her. I only spoke about it if asked and never gushed. Still, we didn't even make it to my first ultrasound before my very best friend had disappeared from my life.
When Bluey was born her and her boyfriend turned up at the hospital. They didn't go to visit him (he was in the NICU), but they surprisingly turned up, and spent half an hour chatting about how great their lives were. The next time I saw her was when Bluey was 18months old. She ignored him, something that had me dumbfounded as she worked in childcare and had always been great around kids. Again she talked about her life, how wonderful it was. I smiled, I was happy for her, but it felt all too forced. I told her I missed her and then never heard from her again.
Mr Black agreed about feeling like it was a competition "Who had the better life". A game we didn't want to play, so our friendship faded with both of them.
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He knew how much it broke my heart to lose my best friend. He knew how much it hurt me to see her sitting there, talking to our friends, laughing with these people that they had ignored for years, and to see everyone be ok with that.
I was angry.
As the night wore on she did not approach me once. Not even a wave from afar. She clung to her boyfriends side like they were conjoined while I strangely mingled with everyone. I was comfortable here, I knew that, and I made sure she knew that. Spiteful, I know.
The day after the party I received a friend request from her on Facebook. I left it for a week baffled by why she would send this request and not attempt to say, at the very least 'Hi' to me? When I tentatively accepted I asked her just this. We made plans to catch up for coffee and chat. It was ok. Lots of talk about how it was childish of us to let our friendship deteriorate the way it had. Lots of promises from her that she wanted to make things right, that she missed me.
She confided in me her regret over her decision. That they had been trying for quite a while and were having trouble conceiving.
My heart ached for her. Ached for her having to carry the weight of this decision, and now feel like she was being punished.
I invited her to a couple of nights out last year. She didn't attend a single one, or let me know why she didn't. Now, I don't know what to do. As she sits there in the background of my Facebook.
I miss her, but I don't think she is the friend I once knew. I left the past in the past, and tried to move forward with what could be a great friendship again. I don't quite understand why she would seek me out, and keep me around if she had no interest in reigniting a friendship?
Have you ever had a falling out with a close friend from long ago and not known what to do when approached by them years down the track?
Have you ever had to make a decision different to that of a close friends and had it tear you apart?
Good morning Miss Pink… It's easy for me to make me judgement here when it's all written down so succinctly. But to me it seems quite apparent that the problem lies with her. She is miserable. She's miserable about the baby she wanted, who has probably lived every day with her since she terminated it. Her boyfriend sounds like a classic asshole - I don't care how nice he is now, what kind of low life would DEMAND of his partner that she terminate a baby that she wanted, just because he didn't? In my work, I work with social workers who work with victims of domestic violence, and his actions would constitute domestic violence. So who knows what else goes on in their life? She's obviously feeling weak, vulnerable, maybe jealous, incredibly unhappy BUT she's not willing to admit it. And unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Her reaching out to you on facebook may have been an additional effort to 'show off' her life, courtesy of her bravado, or it may have been her wall cracking and trying to let her happy old life through. I don't really know…
ReplyDeleteAfter high school my best friend started going out with a guy and hardly spoke to me. I was a upset for a while - we still spoke to each other occasionally but I'm glad I kept in touch, because as the years have passed (and last year it was 15 years since I finished high school! Eek!) we spoke more amd more often and about 5 years ago, when she started going out with her now husband, I would say that our friendship returned to the strength it was in high school.
This is another verbose jumbled comment but I'll leave you with an observation I've made. It's people who have to brag about what they've got that usually don't have what they REALLY want. It's their insecurity that makes them brag. Take care xxoo
I could barely read this without that nauseating feeling that comes with being where you've been, hurting like you've hurt, & having your heart smashed by friends.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to offer any advice, because at the moment I'm fresh off the back of feeling completely burnt by that 'best friend', that sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing.
I have one 'best friend' now, & I'd never admit this to her, but I just sit & wait for her to burn me/hurt me like the others have.
Women can be vicious. And cruel.
And it comes down to jealousy, i am sure of it.
Good luck in your quest.
I understand everything you write, every word really.
Facebook is littered with folks like that - Those that want to stalk you on there and know every detail of your life but can't bring themselves to speak to you in public. Delete her, my love. Having her there will just be a reminder of what was and the attempts you've made to patch things up xx
ReplyDeleteI have (had?) a friend, a very close friend for the past five or so years and we had a falling out about two years ago. I tried to get it back. But the ball was left in her court and she has yet to make any contact. I think our friendship had run its course. But she's still there on facebook. Not deleting me and vice versa. I'm going to do it. Along with a couple of others. Facebook just keeps the past in the present for too long at times. Go with your gut. Sounds like you've done your bit and the rest was up to her. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know this post is actually an old one and yep, she's still sitting there in my Facebook.
ReplyDeleteYou're right though, it's just littered with people from the past. People who probably don't even know what my kids names are, and who have no intention of wanting to make plans to see me and catch up with me in person. Then, if I delete everyone like that I'd be left with maybe 10 people? Lol.
It's just disappointing. I know in the past I've been quick to cut people out of my life if they aren't cutting the mark. Now I am wary, and aware that you just get busy and you mean to get around to contacting people and sometimes you forget or you think you did when you didn't. So I always make sure that I don't just leavve the ball in their court once, but I throw another over. If I'm ignored twice then I'm happy to just move on.
ReplyDeleteI told her if she wanted the baby to keep it. That I would be there for her, as would her parents and many other friends of ours. That if she chose to terminate she had to be ok with it because no matter what happened in her relationship she had to carry that decision around with her for the rest of her life. It's why I didn't terminate. It's why I took the chance of ending my relationship over it.
ReplyDeleteHe's a disgusting bloke. I've always thought that. But to not even be there for her through that? That's beyond low. But they're still together 5 years on so he must be doing something right. Idk.
I still have no idea why she reached out to me. I've always disengaged when she's done the "my life is the best" song and dance. Smiled and asked her questions, but not competed or talked about my life in comparison because honestly, my life is completely different, and I'm ok with that.
And I agree I have found those people who are always boasting are usually the one's who are most unhappy. It's like they're making up for it or something? I usually end up walking away feeling pretty ok about myself, especially if I'm polite and I don't engage, because it's about them, and they will walk away knowing nothing more about me.
I am glad you were able to get your friendship back with your friend. You are lucky you guys were able to keep minimal contact over the years. There is something powerful about a friend who knew you as you grew up. Like they know some sort of secret you.
Touche! BUT you would still be left with me and that is awesome, yes? x
ReplyDeleteI can't deal with bullshit any more. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends when Boo was diagnosed. More when The Big Bad Thing happened. Now I just walk away from people like your 'friend'. You should too... x
ReplyDelete