A lot of people will be quick to declare themselves a giver. A taker sounds selfish, harsh, unyielding. I don't think that being a taker is a bad thing though, and let me tell you why.
I'm a giver by nature. I have always been, and I probably will never be able to shake the fact that I want to give to people, it's what makes me feel good about myself. Useful.
This also means that my happiness relies too much on others. That it's tied up somewhere with being accepted, and my ability to do bigger and better things each time. A competition I have with myself. A stupid quest of perfectionism.
A recipe for disaster.
People who take are quite in tune to what they want and need, they don't fluff about with hopes of things eventuating. They're straight shooters, get to the point, and get what they need. They take care of their happiness themselves.
The only downside? Sometimes they can forget to give back what they're asking for from others.
You see where I'm going though don't you? That being a giver can sometimes mean that you're left playing a game of Russian Roulette with your happiness, and that being a taker means you're the one holding the gun.
For a very long time I have always put others needs and wants above my own. It's who I am, and I'm ok with that. I like to see those I care about around me happy. In the end though, those people around me are always going to want or need something, and it's not always going to be in my best interests to jump to fulfill that. It also doesn't always make me feel good or happy whilst helping them.
Now don't get me wrong, everything I do and have done I have chosen to do. I've done it for myself essentially and that feeling of satisfaction and worthiness. I'm not a pushover, and I can and do say no often, but in the end my own self worth comes back to how well I can please others.
This needs to change.
And this is what I'm doing now. For me.
A couple of years ago I pulled out and dusted off some skeletons. I threw as many of those fuckers off a cliff and felt a sense of unburden. A tingle of the suns rays through the clouds, finally. But it didn't take long before new skeletons took place of those who had been sent packing. Small tiny problems, were stuffed in to fill that sense of emptiness, and new issues arose.
I am fed up with those skeletons, and want to fill that space with something else. I am just realising that it doesn't need to be another skeleton, that it can be something that is positive for me. Something I am doing for myself, and not depending on others to give me something.
First step was joining a gym. I have wanted to do this for years. I need the outlet, but more importantly I need the stamina to keep up with my children. I need to feel strong again, physically.
I feel anything but strong after my first week, but I know it will come with time, and the harder I push myself and work at it, the faster it will come. For now I am limiting myself to three times a week until I am ready for more.
Second step is decluttering and planning. A lot of my emotion's depends on my surroundings. If it is chaotic physically around me, I struggle to control my emotions. Since our move, a year ago, I have been a shambles. Our routine is pretty consistent, but I am still struggling to grasp it. I don't understand why, but I think I'm still trying to find the key to it all.
Third step is my children. Investing as much of me and my time to them. I'm an alright mum, but I have my moments where I'm just run down and my patience is low. Especially when I'm feeling angry with myself. I want to work on taking how I may be feeling about other people, finances, any life stresses, and separating them from who I am as a mother and who I am when I'm with my children. I want to work on when I'm with them being truly present and not worrying about how I could be spending that time catching up on this or that, or compiling lists of what I need to be doing.
I've actually been working on this over the last month and the difference is outstanding. My children and I are talking very openly, and I'm really listening and finding something good to praise them on even in difficult times.
Why am I blogging this and what does this mean?
It means for now, I need to accept that I can't spend as much time blogging than I have been previously. It means the time I do spend is going to be quality time. Either during nap time or once the kids are in bed. Now, my brain...it doesn't work the best of an evening, so I'm not sure how well this will work. I'm going to also try and dedicate some weekend time to writing, but this depends on what we have on.
It's time to take a little for myself.