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Psychics.
I've never believed them too much. I've found that people are eager to open up and they're experts in reading your body language, and into the tiniest of words you share. It's part of their art. Their skill set.
I went to one shortly before Bluey was born. It was a tarot reading and there wasn't much that was shared that has stuck with me now, but one thing, which was incorrect at the time. I've never been too sure since if it was co-incidence or not.
I went to a psychic yesterday. I had a lot of nerves leading up. What if the questions I had weren't answered? What if I just wasted my money and came out with nothing. Why am I even going? A psychic isn't someone I should allow to make my decisions for me. Will anything they say even change anything at all?
Part of the angle is rarely do people go because they're "killing time". They go because they want answers. Some sort of direction. They go with a purpose.
I was there with a purpose. Long building questions swirling my mind. They were keeping me up at night, and causing me to be quite rattled through the day, and the pile just kept getting bigger. Why not give this a try? It either works or it doesn't.
I entered the room nervous. I had my guard up, and felt highly alert amidst my tiredness. I was on the look out for anything so I could shout "See! It's all a crock of bullshit! There is no such thing." I wanted to be right.
To laugh at the thought of "destiny" because really, would destiny have it that life can hurt so much?
I started shaking five minutes into the session. Too much was said that no psychic could have read from my body language, or in to my responses. The tiniest of things that not even Mr Black would have known about me. Not my parents. No one.Questions answered without my even uttering a word. With zero reference to my fears. I'm not even sure she knew that she was answering a concern for me.
So many things that were said stood out to me. None more than her comment of "I need to tell you that you're a good mother. A fantastic mother. You are always putting your children first and you shouldn't have to worry about writing taking time away from them."
It wasn't something I even felt needed addressing.
She had no idea I had a blog or anything of the sort. She had only moments before said "You don't have children do you? You look too young but I'm being told you have two children."
Two kids. An easy guess yes? But how I feel about them? My worries? That I write?
No, I don't feel like a great mother to my children. I make mistakes, all.the.time. Mistakes that really I shouldn't be making.
Impatience.
Disconnection.
Ignorance.
I'm guilty of all of those. I'm not proud to admit I'm guilty of all of those, but I am.
I've pulled away majorly from being online, from writing and reading because of the guilt I carry as a mother. Because right now I am choosing to try and be more active in their lives instead of spending a couple of hours a day on blogging I'm spending that time with them, or doing things that I would otherwise do when I could be spending time with them.
It wasn't an issue. If it came down to it who would you choose? Your children or your blog?
It wasn't until she spoke those words that I realised what I was doing, and how much I needed writing for me. I need it to help understand myself better.
So I will continue to write. I'm not sure on what level yet. Right now, I do need more time with my children. But I know writing isn't over for me yet. I still feel the itch every day. I need it like I need to feel the sun on my face. Yeah, I will live without it, but it's so important to my existence.
Are you a believer?
Would you give up writing for your children, or is it something you need too?
Have you ever been to a psychic before? Please share your stories.
I knew you were going to say all that.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be controversial and say I won't give up anything for my kids. I will pull back on my committment to some activities, but the thing is - kids are with you for 20 years or so before they strike out on their own. It's important to have something that is YOU left for when they leave…. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI am not a mother but I do believe that mothers who place an importance on themselves as much as their children are happier and therefore better mothers. I know my mother was happier once she started studying and doing something for herself. She was a wonderful mother beforehand - but she was happier and that transfered to us. I think continuing to write is the right thing to do x
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Maybe I did not explain myself too well.
ReplyDeleteI would give up anything for my children's needs. But in reality, my children need so very little from me that doesn't come naturally. It's all about my perspective. See I told MYSELF that I couldn't possibly be being a good mum because I take the time to write and read blogs and connect online. That is time I could spend with my family.
Thing is, my kids are content, and always have been. They love playing with one another, or alone. They like that time under the same roof as me, but without me in their face.
I agree with you, it's important to have things for yourself. But I also think that there is a line. That there are things that can be harmful to your family, and maybe things need to be put on hold occasionally for your family. I do agree that you still need to have a sense of yourself when your children grow up and no longer need you as much, but I also think that becoming a parent is a part of discovering yourself.
I was never going to stop outright Hannah. I was just pulling back. It was more than my children, but that was one of the huge factors. I realised I spent more time writing about their lives, be it on paper, in my head, or typing it out, than I did engaging in it and that is something I do not want.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that having a miserable parent deeply affects children. That we need to be kind to ourselves an realise we have a right to ensure our needs are met, sometimes at the expense of their wants. That it's ok to tell our children no or to wait. It's ok for us to chase our dreams. Just right now I am content in being their mum and I want to be the best mum possible to them. That makes me happy.
I'm not afraid to change things if I need to though.
Oh Cranky Old Man, I have been giggling all day over this comment.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings about psychic readings. I am open (and hopeful) that someone could have insight into my future, but I'm also skeptical.
ReplyDelete