Dumped

Image from here

I took the chance and dived in.
I know I'm not a confident swimmer, but sometimes the best way to learn is to jump right in there and have a go.

So I did just that. I stripped off, and ran to the waves knowing that they would knock me around, and I hoped that I could simply deal with that as it came.
Turns out I can't teach myself to swim by jumping into the deep end.
As I lost my balance and those waves kept coming I found myself getting dumped more often than riding them out. I don't know when but after one of those waves pushed me under and I came up for air I found I had lost my sense of direction.

A sense of direction is invaluable. It's a gut feeling and losing that sense is like using your ability to see and hear at the same time. It's tough. You don't know what to do and if what you're doing is even right for you right now. So I kept on fighting those waves, the one's that kept pushing me under, and eventually I got a cramp.

My social anxiety is always there hammering away in the background, but  over the last few weeks it has come back in full force. I feel like I am spiralling down a drain.
I don't want to talk to people, and I don't want them to talk to me.
I just want to curl up in my bed and drift off into another world.
I know that it's not ok but I can't always change how I will instinctively react.
So I'm not fighting, just drifting. I'm tired of the constant battle and sometimes I think 'Is it really that important that I talk to people?'

But the time will come when I have to come back to reality. Then I'm going to be forced to realise I've been dumped and the only way to shore is if I start swimming back.