When you think of your structure what do you liken it to?
We're all made up of flesh and bones, muscle and sinew, blood pumping, oxygen inflating....that's the science of it right?
I used to tell people I was iron. A strong suit of armour, but dark and heavy on the inside. Having children slowly melted that away. Instead of trading the light for something strong it became necessary to let some things in. To be able to love my children and hurt for them and open myself up to them.
Instead of the heavy armour melting away to something like a thick sheet of glass, or even a layer of Tupperware (that shit never dies) I found myself wearing a suit of a brittle shell.
I crack and little pieces fall off frequently. Some of those pieces turning to dust so you can never truly repair the structure.
I rely heavily on that iron armour appearance to actually leave my house, which leaves me often times hollow.
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To physically be ready is nothing. No time at all. I do it as if in a dream, but mentally is another story. Sunglasses worn as a shield. Phone on the ready in case I feel like I need to "escape".
Despite what you may think, I am not one to break down to other people. I will make offhanded comments about stuff that bothers me. I'm too pessimistic to be able to restrain myself. i won't come to you with plea's of help. I won't approach you in tears.
Pride.
Apparently it's a sin, and I'm fucking rife with it.
So instead you find a distracted detached shell of a person who just wants to love her kids and do them proud.
A hollowing before your eyes.
How do you love and give all of yourself to those around you when your cracks stop you from being filled up in return?
I hear you. I'd sooner help someone else with their problems than ask help for my own.
ReplyDeleteLove your writing style.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
I so get it.I would help someone in a heartbeat but rarely ask for help.I dont know if it is for fear of it being a sign of weakness at not being able to handle things myself.I have found when I comment on blogs or twitter beautiful people offer help or advice on their own which is so kind and thoughtful.They dont have to go out of their way to do that so it means a great deal.I love to hear others opinions.
ReplyDeleteI have definitely found my suit of armour made of the toughest of steel has melted since having my child.I was a nurse so had to be tough as saw so much that tore at the heart.
I had never had a panick or anxiety attack before.Now cry at a sad story on someone I dont even know...tv ads even.
Something happens when you know anothers life and well being depends on your own and all that you do makes a huge difference in their life.
Things are never the same again.Beautiful and frightening all at the same time.xx
Maybe it's the mothering sintinct in us?
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. Beautiful and frightening all at once for sure. But painful isn't what I'm a fan of.
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