When you think of your structure what do you liken it to?
We're all made up of flesh and bones, muscle and sinew, blood pumping, oxygen inflating....that's the science of it right?
I used to tell people I was iron. A strong suit of armour, but dark and heavy on the inside. Having children slowly melted that away. Instead of trading the light for something strong it became necessary to let some things in. To be able to love my children and hurt for them and open myself up to them.
Instead of the heavy armour melting away to something like a thick sheet of glass, or even a layer of Tupperware (that shit never dies) I found myself wearing a suit of a brittle shell.
I crack and little pieces fall off frequently. Some of those pieces turning to dust so you can never truly repair the structure.
I rely heavily on that iron armour appearance to actually leave my house, which leaves me often times hollow.
|Image from here|
To physically be ready is nothing. No time at all. I do it as if in a dream, but mentally is another story. Sunglasses worn as a shield. Phone on the ready in case I feel like I need to "escape".
Despite what you may think, I am not one to break down to other people. I will make offhanded comments about stuff that bothers me. I'm too pessimistic to be able to restrain myself. i won't come to you with plea's of help. I won't approach you in tears.
Apparently it's a sin, and I'm fucking rife with it.
So instead you find a distracted detached shell of a person who just wants to love her kids and do them proud.
A hollowing before your eyes.
How do you love and give all of yourself to those around you when your cracks stop you from being filled up in return?