The Fear Of Parenting

My Dear Children,

I am not perfect. I'm not even perfect in my imperfection.
I make...oh a lot of mistakes. Sometimes knowingly, but mostly I don't mean to.

I will never forgive myself for those mistakes I have made. All the ways in which I have failed you. The ways that I will continue to fail you. The ways I am yet to fail you.

The worst part about the mistakes I make is that I keep making them.
It's like an awful reality TV show on repeat. You say you're never going to watch it again but there you go again. Over and over. Seeing the stupidity of it all but still going back for more.

It has never been, and never will be my intention for you to hurt physically or emotionally as a result of my actions. My only goal is to love you and help you to be the person you would be proud of. To give you the skills you will value in life and encourage you when fear takes over.

All I can offer is that I do my best in the moment.
Looking back I often realise how I could have handled things better. What I could have said or done to better help you. It's only in this hindsight that I feel guilt. Guilt that sinks in and creates fear to interact with you so I don't mess you up.
Guilt is a waste of my time. I'm going to endeavour to not look back with guilt. I need to trust that I have always done the best I could at the time, and that you won't hold my mistakes against me.

My promise.

I promise to believe in you when you fail to believe in yourself.
I promise to be a voice of praise and truth.
I promise to always hold my arms open wide for you.
I promise to always love you

One day, you may become a parent. I can only hope you come to me for advice and that you remember all that I've done and understand that I never had all the answers but I always tried to do the best by you.

One day you will know what it is like to love someone so much you're scared to ruin them.

Love Mum.