Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Anxiety is an ugly monster.
I don't fear much. The things that I do fear are all so frivolous. Grasshoppers but not creepy crawlies. Needles but tattoo's and piercings are a balm.
I would not use the word "scared" to describe myself. Yet right now I am scared. I am scaring myself. Of how dark and cold it is here.
So I become foggy.
Foggy is ok I guess. It doesn't quite rid me of the awareness of the pulling black weight, but I can keep moving, carrying out simple actions. I can't concentrate or really absorb anything but you win some you lose some I guess.
Today Greenie asked if we could buy him a pair of sunglasses.
I've been so distant of late. Physically here but severed in every other way. I was going to say no, all I had to do was pay some bills but I thought why not? Why not give him this little thing he so desperately wants right now because I am not able to give him me?
So he rocked those sunnies like it was nobodies business. He was as cool as a cucumber all day long and it soothed me.
Right now the more I fight the more resistance I am faced with it seems.
I haven't stopped fighting, but I am tired, and I want to throw up my arms and shout 'fuck it' and let myself be squashed because there are so many other way's I'd rather spend my time than battling some invisible monster.