The Aliens Are Coming To Get Me

Such a beautiful image found here

Lately my ability to think has been compromised. I don't know whether wrapping my head in tin foil will stop the aliens from sucking the thoughts from my head or if it just makes me more susceptible to being hit by lightning.

My online time has shortened a great deal. I am restless when here, dazed, and a little confused. I find myself flicking through Instagram without seeing the pictures, watching my Twitter stream without reading the words. My lack concentration is worn like a thick heavy straight jacket because I can't seem to be able to take it off.

There isn't a writer’s block. I have at least a dozen posts written in my head. Words that flow so beautifully in the mind. I am just struggling to find the time to sit. The motivation to get those thoughts out. Ever have that?

Just bear with me while I attempt to untangle the ravelled mess and follow the right piece of string back here.

Things may be dark but sometimes that's how life rolls and you've just got to go with the flow instead of fighting the current.

Comfort Eating

If this image is yours please let me know so I can credit you.

Food and I...we have a pretty tight bond. Especially the junk kind, he comes around quite often.

I struggle a lot with my restraint on junk food. Part of it is my upbringing, another part is that I've never in my life had to worry about what I eat, and lets be honest, most of the time it's easier.

I do eat quite large meals. One could argue if I were eating better food I wouldn't need to eat more because I would be filling up on nutrient rich food, I'd say they're probably right. So why can't I change my habits?

Diet is important here. My children have quite the healthy diet and have from the beginning. Bluey eats just about anything offered to him whilst Greenie is a little more fussier but still has a loves fruit more than a monkey.
But when it comes to the adults in the house? Not so much.

Since adding exercise to my lifestyle I have realised there is a lot that I cannot do simply by working out, that I need to make hard changes with what I'm putting into my body.
I've known this for the last couple of months and still, I cannot seem to shift these habits.

I am realising I eat emotionally far more than I have realised in the past. My mood definitely drives what I eat regardless of what has been pre-planned.

Food will always be my weak spot. I've accepted that. Now I've got to work on how I can work that to my advantage.
My problem area is my stomach and it won't change if I don't change what I'm filling my pie hole with. Preferably less pie.

Are you a comfort eater? A boredom snacker? A junk food addict? Maybe you've been there and can share some advice for those of us struggling to give it up?

Drunk Face

Because sometimes we just need a pick me up.

I have loads of photograph's of my babies with the "drunk face" only kept for the hilarity.
Do you?
Maybe you have some embarrassing drunk pictures of yourself? Not me, I hide from camera's when I've been drinking.

*If this is your image please let me know. This was floating around everywhere a long time ago and I cannot find the source.

The Fear Of Parenting

My Dear Children,

I am not perfect. I'm not even perfect in my imperfection.
I make...oh a lot of mistakes. Sometimes knowingly, but mostly I don't mean to.

I will never forgive myself for those mistakes I have made. All the ways in which I have failed you. The ways that I will continue to fail you. The ways I am yet to fail you.

The worst part about the mistakes I make is that I keep making them.
It's like an awful reality TV show on repeat. You say you're never going to watch it again but there you go again. Over and over. Seeing the stupidity of it all but still going back for more.

It has never been, and never will be my intention for you to hurt physically or emotionally as a result of my actions. My only goal is to love you and help you to be the person you would be proud of. To give you the skills you will value in life and encourage you when fear takes over.

All I can offer is that I do my best in the moment.
Looking back I often realise how I could have handled things better. What I could have said or done to better help you. It's only in this hindsight that I feel guilt. Guilt that sinks in and creates fear to interact with you so I don't mess you up.
Guilt is a waste of my time. I'm going to endeavour to not look back with guilt. I need to trust that I have always done the best I could at the time, and that you won't hold my mistakes against me.

My promise.

I promise to believe in you when you fail to believe in yourself.
I promise to be a voice of praise and truth.
I promise to always hold my arms open wide for you.
I promise to always love you

One day, you may become a parent. I can only hope you come to me for advice and that you remember all that I've done and understand that I never had all the answers but I always tried to do the best by you.

One day you will know what it is like to love someone so much you're scared to ruin them.

Love Mum.

Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass

One of the things that constantly does the rounds in the blogosphere is blogging and honesty.
Jenn from Mountains and Musings recently posted a post called Early Morning Ramble and it sang to me when  usually this argument makes me yawn quite a lot. Perhaps you too?

So let’s just squash these once and for all.

Image found here

1. Anonymous bloggers are just trolls or hiding something.
I'm anonymous and I take offense to people who preach this. Yes some are trolls, but you know what trolls make up fake names and fake pictures too. There are so many reasons a blogger may choose to be anonymous, don't assume it's because they're a fake.
Anonymous bloggers aren't any less real than bloggers who have their face or their name or their address up everywhere.

2. Once you share an opinion on something that word is as good as gold.
I don't know about you but I change my mind all the time. One day I'm all about how wonderful broccoli is. The next I'm all "Yeah but these salty chips are way better." Same goes for the way I parent my children and any beliefs I have.
I am the first to admit I know jack shit about a lot of stuff so I will nod in agreeance on the smallest of statements and when I look into something further I may find my opinion *gasp* changes. I won't apologise for changing my opinion and it doesn't make me a liar or a fake, it makes me human. We all have the power to choose to change our opinion on something and we shouldn't have to refer to something that may have been said yonks ago.

3. I disagree with you so I must be a shit stirrer.
Blogging for me is about sharing thoughts and bouncing ideas off of a wide variety of people. Not everyone will agree with me and that's life, just as I won't always agree with you.
I am all for people being able to come here and say they disagree in a respectful way. I have no problem saying that I share a different opinion to other people. It's not to create a fight but usually because I like to be enlightened on another perspective, and at the very least have my own views challenged so I can feel surer of my opinion.

It's wonderful to share an opinion respectfully under whichever name you choose. It's also fine to change your opinion, your truth.
It's ok to be you. Miss Pink is me as much as the name my friends and family know me by. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or make you feel less you because of your words. You know who you are and if you're speaking your truth in the moment and that will show.
Stop expecting the worst in everyone and open your eyes to the good.

Do you share your truth? Is your guard permanently up? 

Out Of This World

It's no secret that I love to read.
I devour the words in a gluttonous way. It may be why my television is so rarely making noise in the background.

My children have inherited this passion.
Bluey eats up words around him in the world. Greenie is always requesting "Just one more story" which is lucky for me Bluey loves reading to him. It's definitely a shift that needs a three person team to be spread amongst.

I'm a big book in a hot bubble bath fan. Huge! I never pass up the opportunity. It also means that I always need to have something on hand to read.

Here is some of what has been on my shelf over the colder months.

Let me note this isn't including the two monthly magazine subscriptions, the iBooks, the thousands of books my children have requested, the blogs (oh the blogs!)....and well, I ended up picking up a few more novels than photographed because I'm fickle like that.

Do you love to read? What do you read? Can you recommend me anything?

Dumped Dreams.

I found this here

Imagine that. The entire world you have imagined is just a tiny piece of a bigger world and you spend your whole life aiming as high as the lid of the jar.

Most of the things I fail at are the things I don't even try. I say "Oh it would be so nice to be able to fly a plane, I can't do it, but it would be fun if I could." And yet here I am, not even trying.

This is not to be confused with things that I don't aim for myself. But how much do I dismiss right off the bat because I assume that I cannot do it, or that it would be too hard?

How much do you dismiss?

I pondered a lot this week what to be grateful for. The week started out shitty with no inspiration coming to me, even when I held up a candle to look. It ended fantastically and I was hit with so much I could put here but nothing that spoke to me more than this idea that we sometimes limit ourselves and write off dreams without even trying.

This is something I want to change.

Rope Burn

This is another edition for The Black Files. If you're not in the mood for emo-ness just skip on past. Posts in The Black Files may be triggering for some, but hopefully not. Just a little disclaimer, comments are not necessary. I do not publish these posts for a "woe is me" effect, however do feel free to leave a comment (I do love them) this time comments are off, but please feel free to share this post if you wish or contact me privately if you also wish.

 I guess I didn't know where I was going with this post. I'm writing a stream of consciousness from my head, unedited. Usually these posts aren't wise. Fuck it though. 

What do you reach for when your hands blistered and burnt slip from the knot at the end of your rope. You lose your grip and find yourself grappling at thin air surrounded by nothing but blackness.

You know that moment, right before you lose your shit? You can feel it coming. For a while you push on, routine for comfort or something but it's like a sixth sense and there's no stopping it. Even though you can feel it coming, again, you still don't know what to do. And so you're this out of control lunatic who is riding the extremes of emotions and always want to feel anything but what you are right now. How it pulls even the numbest of us at our cores. It plays on every fear and insecurity you have, and you don't know what to do? You just don't know what to do.

I shut down.

I deliberately hide away because I know I don't have my shit together and I don't want people to be whispering about it when I wake up.

The few people I would talk to, the one's who I feel could talk me down from the ledge I'm trembling on the edge of, are those who I fear setting them off by talking to them. So I don't.
I don't take chances because I've got some crap probability of like 99.99999% of people who totally freak out when I open up even the tiniest and honestly, I'd rather put on the mask and blame ignorance than outright be turned away.

So I curl up into a ball and tremble. Sometimes the trembling stops and I can get up and dust myself off, sometimes I tremble so violently for so long that I fall off that edge and reach out madly at the surface of the rocky cliff and I hold on for dear life to any jagged little piece while I try to pull myself back to safety.

Sometimes I just fall. For  a long time. So long that often I think I've hit the bottom only to realise that the ground has opened up beneath me again and that I wasn't on the bottom at all.

The hardest part about not loving yourself is if you can't love you, no one is going to do it for you.
People aren't drawn to morbidity and self pity. We will watch it like a bad car crash, but we don't want to touch that shit. Just watch, so we can say to ourselves "Well, at least that wasn't me."
I have no disgust in that. We should find comfort in that.


But what happens when you stop? So many times I've heard an awful story, seen awful things and I've felt sad because why does it have to be someone else? Why couldn't it just happen to me? The most undeserving creature. Why couldn't good people keep their good and happy lives and the crap be sent my way. No, I'm not strong enough to carry it all, but I would feel better it happening to me than others. The guilt that I am still not ok and I have something they pine for.


Have you ever been so alone that you make loneliness look like a raving party?

What I'm Grateful For...

Yep. I'm so growing a beard and hanging out with badasses when I'm older.

I'm grateful for individuality. For the freedom to express myself, physically and verbally. I can dress however I like, I can choose whichever words I like, I can educate myself on many number a thing. I can be me. I can change who I am for others or change who I am for me. I can even choose to stay exactly the way I am.

Individuality.
It's something I've cherished since I was little. I always hated it when someone would copy me. I felt like they were taking away my freedom to be me. To stand on my own.
Slowly, I cared less. Probably around the time I became a mother and was too tired to care anymore about expressing myself physically.
Then it hit me. I needed to express myself physically. I was so detached from the physical me that the internal me was spiralling. I needed to get back in touch. I needed to take risks.

I learnt I can't be confined to a box. I've got my feet and hands in several boxes and that's ok.

Are you expressing your individuality or do you pull yourself up?
Don't worry about those who have something negative to say about you because those mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind.*

Quote from the master of words Dr. Suess.

Deliberate.

I commented on a post the other day, and because I'm the kind of person who has revelations in her comments on places that aren't her blog, there was a part of this comment that hit me and knocked me down. I came straight here, opened up my "drafts" and started typing this for you.

Image found here

I've always felt like I was on the outside. Ever since I was a child. I watched people playing and laughing and talking and loving. Sure sometimes I would catch the sound of my giggles, but even as I was involved it was like I was watching from afar as it all played out. Laughter sounded strange from my throat.

I've cared about a few people in my life. When I care, I care deeply. Your pain, it becomes my pain.
I could give you several names right now of the people who meant the most to me, who still do mean that much to me even if we no longer talk.
The BFF is one of those people. I feel so lucky to have found my way back to her. To have been able to pick up where we left off. This trust, a bond like sisters, just without the fighting.
There are a few others. Others I haven't seen in years and my heart aches. It adds to the bitter cold loneliness. To feel that ripped from you. That trust and admiration.

I stopped caring a long time ago. Before most these people crossed into my life, but they still penetrated the walls, and when I put new ones up they would scale them and find another way to reach me. But I always built, and learnt to build quickly. Faster than they could climb.
I also did a lot of reckless and mean things. Things designed to hurt. On purpose. To push them away, and to punish myself because I never felt worthy of their company, even if I wanted it. I felt as though I tainted them. I ruined their wonderfulness.

Image found here

Eventually as they all left my life, I hurt.
This was my own doing. I knew it would hurt, that I would want them back, but I still pushed. Deliberate.

So I struggle to love. I struggle with the notion of it. I crave it. I want it. I need it.
I repeat my mistakes.
I am still deliberate.
Because somehow pain is easier if it's self inflicted.
I know that people will come and go in my life, but I am not strong enough to deal with the leaving.

And I feel bad for those who are left with me. For Mr Black, who is stuck with this angry shell of a person, for my children who get all the best of me but it never seems enough, for those who reach out but it's so dark I cannot see they are reaching for me, but rather I just see hands that I bat away in fear.

I still cut myself off from loving. It feels like as soon as I open that gate, just a crack, all this pain and disappointment comes in.
My children, I will do anything for. Beyond them I am an island just out of reach. I'm not sure I want anyone to cross those waters.

Comments are off guys. If you want to show support I'd appreciate if you shared this post. Sometimes I just don't want to talk any more about something.

Hair and Care

To follow up my hair and maintenance post I am going to share with you how I care for my hair.
Please keep in mind that I am not a professional, I am just sharing what works for me based on what has been recommended to me by my hairdresser, and that I have found works.

I wash my hair once a week. Yes, you read that right, only once a week. I find that my hair isn't oily by day three or four so I can either put my hair up, like perhaps in a braid, or I can give it a little spritz with dry shampoo.
Washing your hair strips it of it's natural oils and can be overly drying and is not recommended daily. If you can't last the week try to keep it at no more than twice a week.
And please, avoid silicone in your shampoo and conditioner unless it is water soluble.

When I wash my hair I also do a high moisturising treatment of some kind every other week.
This is completely up to you and your hair type. If you dye your hair a lot I would recommend it, otherwise I would look at other types of treatments available that suit your needs.

This is my kind of blow job.

I avoid most styling products and heating tools. I find I only need them right after I've washed my hair. I do add a little Moroccan oil to the ends of my hair before blow drying and I always use any anti frizz serum to my roots as well as a heat protector before using styling tools as I'm prone to frizzing.
With my fringe I need to style it every single morning. I find a quick blast with my hairdryer and using a large round brush is enough.

This is my just woken up hair.

My hair is actually naturally wavy. For the longest time I struggled with styling it because it's at that awkward medium where I either need to straighten or curl it properly. I've found blow drying it on a low setting straight after washing it making sure to point the nozzle downwards not only straightens 90% of it but pointing the nozzle downwards helps to smooth the hair meaning it will be less frizzy.

What are your hair care secrets?
How often are you washing your hair?
Do you use a hair mask? Which one can you recommend us? Or why not?
Any tips that work miracles for your hair that you can share?

Pink Cheeks

Image found here

I have very fair skin naturally. It's always been like that, even in our Australian summers when I spend a lot of time outside soaking up the glorious sunshine.

The one thing I've hated about my fair skin is how easily my emotions can show on my face.
I used to get teased often for showing my embarrassment growing up. As I got older I laughed louder than any one else over it, because shit, if they were going to laugh at my expense I'd want to get a good giggle myself. And so people soon forgot my embarrassment, and learnt I could take a joke, yeah, even at my expense, but don't you dare turn me into the joke.

It's easy to turn your emotions off. To stop feeling anything. To stop your face turning a beet red when someone reads you. Reveals they know more about you than you would like.
What they don't tell you is how it's not something you can easily switch on and off.

One of the first things you forget about when you break that connection is how you wore them on you face.
Mr Black has never known me to be a blusher. That a long amount of time with no feelings and I can tell you they were turned off quite a while before we even met.

I think I'm starting to tap back into something though. I know I've toyed with the idea of being able to have feelings again. You know, outside of my children. Some days I want them, other days I am screaming what a stupid idea it is for anyone to ever want to feel anything.
The first indicator was a couple of weeks ago when Mr Black mentioned something. Such a small tiny nothing thing to me, but I blushed. I felt that hot prickly heat rising all over my body and he called me on it.
I laughed it off. Truth is, this happened weeks ago and it's something I'm still thinking about.

I don't want to be the girl with the bright pink cheeks.


Are you a blusher? Does your face show your emotions? Do you like it?

It's Not About Being Poor

When you get your groceries do you pick up the more expensive item simply because you think it will taste better?

Image found here

Becoming a stay at home mum was a conscious decision for us.
I went back to work when Bluey was only a few months old and it shattered me mentally. Not the job, I loved the job. Not the people I worked with, I loved them too. I just found that it was too much, I was stretched too thin, and it wasn't something I enjoyed, and so after a lot of discussion and a lot of tears Mr Black and I decided that my happiness was more important that a bit of extra cash.

That's how we came to the decision that I would be a SAHM for as long as possible, and that I would look for work once the kids were at school.
There wasn't any point in having extra money and an unhappy household. It wouldn't work, and at least this way we had a fighting chance.  

It's not easy.
It is far from easy, but as two people who started with nothing previous to having children, we haven't had to feel the sacrifices as heavily as others may have. We have tried to make our bills work to our income as best as possible with the crazy increases to rental properties.
It has also meant that we sacrifice our true dream of buying a house for our family, to save that for later.
This is possibly the most painful decision for us.
We both itch to plant our roots. To get our hands dirty and renovate.

It also means budgeting for everything, and because we believe in living within our means, which means we do not have a single credit card to our name, that sometimes things can get tough. Especially when unexpected costs arise.

Two years ago, the day that my Nan died, our car was stolen.
Mr Black relies heavily on our car for work. There was no getting around that we needed another car and fast. We just wanted something as cheap and as reliable as possible. Getting a small loan however wasn't easy with us being a single income family.
It was hard because it meant Mr Black having to take time off of work to meet with banks, to share loads of paperwork, which was different from one bank to the next and just taking the money from the first bank who finally said yes.

Now, it's easier.

Are you a stay at home parent? How did you come to that decision? Have you had to give up dreams because of your decision not to work? Do you struggle to make ends meet too? Would you buy the more expensive apples? Really?  

This is a RocketFuel sponsored post.

Alone. Again.

Image from here

It's no secret that I struggle to make friends.
Now I'm talking friends, not acquaintances, or people you casually see. People who you can call up if a problem arises, who you can complain to when you are having a bad day and you don't worry that you've inconvenienced their day.
A person who knows you so it doesn't matter if they judge an action or decision you make. They will still care about you because they know you on the inside despite your imperfect moments.

After the move I was lucky enough to make a couple of friends with children in Bluey's school. Two who I became close with. One moved to another state at the start of the year. I was ok with it, it sucked, but it was ok. Now I am losing the second. The one I am actually closer with. The one I spend hours chatting to at least five days a week. Who has children the same age as both of my children. Who has just enough in common and the guts to say when she disagrees.

And I'm angry. I am so so angry that I have put myself out there to end up where I was before.
To feel like everything I had gained has been ripped from me.
This friendship thing doesn't come easy to me. It's hard to feel comfortable around a person, so when I do it's a pretty big deal.


I don't know how to respond. I am excited for her, for dreams being realised, for her happiness, of course, but I feel like an old toy dropped and left behind in the mud.
A part of me is giddily excited, but there is the other part, the hidden part, that feels nauseous at the whole thing.

BFF is here but it's only temporary, and a part of me has known that from the start. It is why I branched out and felt the sharp sting of a burn many times over trying to make a friend.
A huge part of my confidence, of my strength of late has laid in feeling as though I have a person, here, in person. Now it is lost, and I'm not too sure how I will handle it when I was already dangling dangerously on the edge.

Comments are off for this one guys. Sorry.